how did i wind up here?

what now...?

ask to see it how it is...

sick of this...

Keeping an open mind..

This past Wednesday, my sponsor in AA brought up the topic of God as it relates to working the steps indicated in the program. AA is not affiliated with any 'sect or domination'(meaning any god/higher power you choose is acceptable). I, however, do not believe in anything. While this is a very personal decision I do respect others for whatever they may believe. I have an open mind and am not negatively biased towards believing in a higher power. But as of today, I believe that we are here on earth for a short while and our job is to the best with it what we can, not because of a moral code laid out by a bible or how appeasing a higher power. In my mind, the morals i strongly believe are important to follow because it will effect my own conscious and the others around me. The entire meeting was based around the necessity of finding a power greater then yourself to lead you to sanity(sobriety). This is Step 2 out of a twelve step program adopted by many outside of the AA program. I am finding it difficult to embrace this step. However, i am assured that certain steps are hard for some while easy for others, and it is simply part of the journey to a sober lifestyle.

Hear no evil

this too shall pass..

I am so stressed. I am learning how important it is to rid myself of self-pity.  Prior to AA i had no clue i even had self-pity. I am lucky enough to have a job, transportation, an oppurtunity at education, friends, and a program which will help me get sober but sometimes it can be stressful to balance them all.  I work 9-5, i come home for dinner go pick up my best friend and other AA member go to a meeting and get back home at 10:30. Usually i go to bed or do homework if i have any. And I am having my complements of lows and highs but im not sure if it is quitting drinking or what but im having severe mood swings and have lost my energy all together. Just have to remember at the end of the day they're are people who can't even go to school.  They would do anything for a job. And i am here complaining because somethings gotta give. Give me a break, talk about self-pity.

And this is on a good day...?

I need to redecorate...

the clock is so stiff, it can't unwind...

I love everything tents...

Dress up...?

Well I always try and encourage my coworkers into having "theme" days at work. We have had crazy hat day, taco day(where I came dressed in my most prestigious sombrero), crazy shoe day, there was tacky Christmas sweater day and, of course, Halloween was a blast. Now I am trying desperately for them to agree on a new theme so we can continue our fun at work. I have convinced them into participating in assassination. A playful game where you stalk the other players(coworkers ranging from the age of 20 to 60) and attack them with a water gun, water balloon, ect. Now considering it is winter we decided to play with nerf guns. The women mainly live on the main line but some stretching all the way out to Honey Brooke. I am so excited to stalk my lovely coworkers. However, none of the ladies could agree on a theme they would want to seen in. So I have taken it upon myself to create my own theme days. Today was the first day; I am going to dress up as a different coworker everyday in the attire as I interpret them. We have women who are horse back riders, greyhound lovers, super trendy, very conservative, very preppy, and everywhere in between. They are highly amused by my project thus far(at least i would like to think so). Needless to say, I am enjoying this all to much! Let the harassment begin!

Do you know how stupid you look...?

What a beautiful garden I have made...

Well I love graveyards... they are so peaceful! They are gardens(well at least that’s what I call them); a very different kind of garden then the ones we maintain in our yards but equally beautiful. It was not until meeting my best friend that I realized how serene graveyards really are. My best friend, Joy, always use to point out how lovely all of the ancient rocks in scripted with lovely sayings were. At first I found it quite dark and creepy; but now I realize she is right. A graveyard is a place where there are memorials of a thousand beautiful souls with a thousand silver stones marking there place for eternity. People can come here to ponder their own lives or the lives of those who are no longer with us. At first glance a graveyard may be a sad and scary place knowing that six feet under your very own feet lie dead bodies. But the great thing about Joy is her soul is so loving that even the most strangest of things have beauty to them. I am discovering the hardest part of giving up drinking is going to be giving up the weekends I spend with her. I have never laughed so hard(excuse me, peed my pants so much) as I have when I am with her. I have been best friends with her since I was 16 and never once got in a fight with her. I know that we will remain friends even though I will not be bar hopping with her on the weekends, but all the same I still fear I will no longer be fun in her eyes. It really scares me that we will drift apart. I know I have been writing a lot about my decision not to drink anymore, but it is a big decision I have made in my life. I have decided not to tell many people about going to AA meetings and that I am not drinking anymore, so this is kind of my release. I know it has only been ten days but it feels like I have to learn how to be at peace with a part of me that is dying in order to have a new me being reborn. But as dark as it sounds I have a feeling the new me is going to be a lot of fun!

home sweet home...

Well i just got home from my first alcoholics annoymous meeting.  I have never smoked so many cigarettes in a row before, i had to drive around the neighborhood so i could keep smoking.  I couldn't help but to think i was better off then everyone in there. But it was nice to see why it is so important to stop drinking now, so that i do not ever run into any of the obstacles these beautiful people are still trying to sort out. Of course i have my own reasons for going and it was good that i went.  Two people already signed me up for a carpool on monday(a kind way of making sure i keep coming i suppose). And it really wasn't so scary but regardless i am so happy to be home in my basement regardless if i have hours of peice work ahead of me or not. 

the happily ever after ending may be far far away...

so lost in thought...

death becomes her, misery loves her

Well I spent last night in the city--without drinking! And as for tonight I refuse to go anywhere.  I have a lot of peice work, (about nine hours of it) due monday and what better way to avoid drinking then to fill my time with busy work.  However it is the least exciting sitting infront of my tv with the intent to stay here all night putting a thousand glass beads on a thousand headpins. oh joy.

a different kind of party perhaps...?

Did I mention I love chandeliers...?

New post... New me?

Well, i am not really sure why i am writing this on here because the matter is awfully private.  However, i tend to consider this blog like an online journal only illustrated with pictures that show, rather then speak, of how i feel. During my research today on how to stop drinking they said to keep a journal every day, and it helps.  I know I would never maintain a journal, I have tried many times and give up after a few weeks.  So, I figure besides the humility of posting this online there isn't really anything to loose in trying it.  So yes, I am unhappy with how i present myself when drunk. I do not like how I end up drinking more then i plan every time I do drink. I know that there is alcoholism on both sides of my family.  And I know that I more then anything want to be a fashion designer. I do not want anything getting in my way or stopping me of fullfilling my dreams.  My main concern is that I will loose all of my friends, not because my friends won't support me but because when I see them it is usually on the weekend and we are almost always drinking.  I dont think i will be able to control myself if I am around it so where does that leave me? Obviously removing myself from those situations.  Also, as pathetic as it sounds all week long I am waiting anxiously for the weekend, so that i can drink with my friends.  I fear my weeks and weekends will become a dull blur.  I am afraid to go to Alcohol Annoymous meetings because I don't want to see someone I know.  That last sentence is incredibly embarressing because of how weak i realize i sound, but it is the truth.  I just hope I can persevere and succeed at this.  On the bright side, I will be more driven and focused on my schooling.  I will be able to spend more time building my portfolio.  I will find excitment in the smaller things in life? Well i hope so, I guess i will just have to wait and see!