meeko

commodore barry

eliza haden

fish food

my best friend..

avalon 2011

i dont have the right shoes for this..

what a fancy way with words..

well its been a while..

Last offical post!

This is the last blog we have to write woo! Haha, i have actually enjoyed these weekly blog entries.  Although, i have to admit once the assignment is over the blog will pretty much consist of all pictures with a few witty comments here and there. And i haven't the slightest the clue of what to write for our last entry.  Well all that's on my mind right now is A. once i finish typing this and commenting on a few peoples entries i can go to bed and i am allowing myself to not work on my research paper tonight, what a luxury, ha! B. all i can think about when im not at work, in class, or at a meeting, is my research paper. C. im am so happy for sunday so we can turn our papers in and i dont have to think about it anymore. I can not wait for that two week break between the end of the spring semester and the beginning of the first summer session! God, i am too tired to write anything.  I havent been home for more then an hour a day besides when im sleeping over the past two weeks. My routine is the same every day wake up(earlier than my liking) off to work then either to the library to work on the research paper or to class and then to a meeting(which gives me some sanity) and then home to work on the research paper and then to bed. Sorry Mr. Brophy! i had to complain about it! it is so much work! But it is preparing me for what is to come seeing that i'm only taking two classes and my molehill of work seems like a mountain. Ill be in for a real treat once i bump up my course load :) I enjoyed the blogs so much, even though i might be the only one haha have a great summer alll! 

80 days

I havent had a drink in 80 days(with the exception of the haunting dreams i have where i have unusual adventures drinking and wake up in a cold sweat, feeling ashamed for having to go the a meeting and fess up, only to gratefully realize that i am still in bed and that i did not drink).  It has been a whopping 60 days without smoking any weed(especially exciting because yesterday was 420, which besides being hitler's birthday, is a huge holiday for smoking weed, as i am sure most of you know) and 16 days without a cigarette. Ha and does it make any sense that i have much less free time now than i did back then. It makes no sense to me! I have no time for anything.  But it is better than having too much time to kill, i guess haha, no time for bordem! One awesome thing i have gotten from this research paper, is a quote from one of the articles that really stuck with me.  It mentioned "Socrates' proverbial idea --'that no one does wrong knowingly' which implies that all wrong doings must be caused by ignorance or mental illness" I know everytime i have done things wrong(which there has been many haha) i dont mean for them to hurt anyone and i sure as hell am not doing them on purpose to be wrong.  It may seem right in my head or my judgment is clouded or my pride gets in the way, whatever the case i agree with this quote and i really like to think about how such intelligent people existed way before technology ever existed.  You know i always think of people way back when being so primitive and so foolish compared to what we know now, but this is obviously no where near true. Primitive maybe, but there is wisdom and peace that comes with such simplicity.  So a nice word for me to chew on for the week, month, and however long i want...simplify. easier said than done!

Day 11

I feel like i have nothing to write about, maybe because it is seven thirty in the moring.  I remembered last night as i was lying in bed i forgot to do my blog! So i set my alarm for seven and have been hitting snooze up until now. Oops. I really like this time of year because you know spring is coming! It is still way too cold for my liking but the glimmer of hope of the warm weather to soon arive is all i need! I always feel like the springtime however is very busy.  I started using a day planner because i really do not know if i would be able to organize half of the things i have to do in my head.  I can never say no to doing more stuff either! I have a lot of homework especially this week, another orientation at MainLine, and i just agreed to take seventy five necklaces home for anthro to make this weekend! AH, i wish there was more time in the day.  Today is day 11 without a cigarrette, if i make it through.  It is so much easier pretty much everyday since day four.  Hahaha and its easy to not smoke knowing that if i do choose to light up i will eventually have to go through those first four days again. I havent been outside yet but it looks nice.  The trees are kind of sparkling as they move, meaning its wet out?  The sky is a light orange-yellow and makes all of the tree trunks look defined infront of it.  The trees looks mangaled but in a beautiful way. and my tea is almost cool enough to drink so it looks like i can start my day now.

Day 3

Today is day three without a cigarette.  My sponsor  has been lying to me.  I was told on day one that it would be the hardest and if i could just get through the first day it will only get better. FALSE. At the end of day two he apologized to me, and said that he had to tell me day one was the worst so i wouldn't give up, but day two really is the hardest day. FALSE AGAIN? yes indeed.  Now it is day three and surprise, surprise its far worse. On day two, i was driving to work and my car read 5000 rpm...10 mph and dropping.. Now i just bought this car two months ago and it only has 50,000 miles on it and in the past two months i have had the car for a whopping 3 weeks. First comes the engine light.. a month and a lot of bullshit later i have a brand new engine...i get to drive my car for another whopping 5 days and what sounds like the transmission is now fucked up too. Wow, it feels good to vent.  On the bright side today is almost over and tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully the nicotine withdraw(which for a non smoker or someone who has never tried to quit before feels like i would imagine heroin withdraw) will be easier tomorrow.  If it is not easier however then i always knew nobody liked i quitter, and i can go right back to where i was before.  Another good thing, my company is having a trunk show this weekend, which i am helping with and i always enjoy the trunk shows! Sorry for complaining its really all i have on my mind right now. come check out the trunk show its really cool jewelry and right in chester springs! Lenoradame.com

time to find a good book

playdate

i feel like a kid again

welcome spring

fairy tails

trying on my new clothes..

nature walk

skeleton brides..

Another week closer to spring..

I went to my first of three orientations this past weekend for Main Line Animal Rescue.  It was such a rewarding expierence, and i havent even started working with the animals! We had to watch a video of puppymills and leanred about Main Line's policies, ect.  Then before we left we were given a tour of the facility! There are all kinds of furry little friends! Some big fluffy floppy dogs, and some little poodle-esqe dogs.  They all looked up to me with big eyes and big hearts.  I immediately started questioning wether fashion design was my real passion, or if i should switch directions and find a way to make a living off of caring for these beautiful little creatures!  Of course, it was heartbreaking to watch the puppymill video and i embarressingly and secretively wiped away the tears as they kept coming! Then i go to class tonight and of course the presentation is about more abused animals! I can not wait to start volunteering at Main Line.  The facility is beautiful and more so i know how rewarding the expierence is going to be for me! Of course my dad is very skeptical, he is scared to death i am going to bring home another friend! Other than that life has been pretty unexciting this past week and i can learn how to enjoy this.  I am looking forward to the spring and some warm weather.  My dad is going to let me turn one of the bedrooms on the third floor into a studio this spring.  Now i am going to be able to really practice my drawing and hopefully get moving on my portfolio! All very exciting!

and she is gone in the blink of an eye

corduroy skirts are a sin!

This is a bomb

who in the..where was i?

there you are

Ah ha. We meet again

if i had known how much fun this was going to be i wouldn't have resisted for so long

modern day crown

i have begun to collect bowties.

What a week!

I am struggling with turning my will over to god(or my higher power). Before I joined the program i did not believe in any sort of higher power. If you go to my first or second post you can see my entry said "couldn't agree more", with a picture of a jacket that read FUCK GOD BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Boy has my thinking changed. Turning my will over to a higher power does not mean not taking responsibility of my actions.  It means accepting that you have no control over what happens to your loved ones, how they think or react, and what has happened in the past.  While in theory, you do still have control over the future, whats important is to enjoy today. Yesterday sucked. The day before that sucked worse. And today was amazing.  I have finally come to terms with letting go and accepting that my best friend is not going to change because i tell her too. I know how stupid that sounds in hindsight. But hindsight is 20/20. All of the worrying i was doing for her kept me from 'working' my own program in AA.  Oh and the two days before the two days that sucked i spent in the ER.(Dont worry nothing serious, well too serious ha!) So when i recieved my english paper back tonight to see i got a perfect, it most certaintly was the highlight of my week! Tomorrow is going to be beautiful! And my sister and father are going on a college visit to Ithaca this weekend so I will be able to enjoy some peace and quiet!  I think this time last year i would have been planning all week on how to celebrate St. Patricks day and this year i totally forgot multiple times throughout the day. It is awesome being sober. Never thought i would say that in a million years, but i have never been so confident in any decision i have made before this.

a little humor after a long day... :)

Could not agree more...

1: Be authentic. The most powerful asset you have is your individuality, what makes you unique. It’s time to stop listening to others on what you should do.
2: Work harder than anyone else and you will always benefit from the effort.
3: Get off the computer and connect with real people and culture. Life is visceral.
4: Constantly improve your craft. Make things with your hands. Innovation in thinking is not enough.
5: Travel as much as you can. It is a humbling and inspiring experience to learn just how much you don’t know.
6: Being original is still king, especially in this tech-driven, group-grope world.
7: Try not to work for stupid people or you’ll soon become one of them.
8: Instinct and intuition are all-powerful. Learn to trust them.
9: The Golden Rule actually works. Do good.
10: If all else fails, No. 2 is the greatest competitive advantage of any career.


Copied from Comme des Fuckdown

loss of words...

Well i do not really know what to write this week. Considering this is really my only free time to write this entry before friday i am just going to have to think of something.  Im hoping that not too many people are reading this because they have to click on a link to get here rather than easily just commenting on someone who is actually on the forum.  I have been incredibly personal in my entries, which is really not like me.  However, in my life right now my priorities are sobriety, class, work.  So if it takes me embarressing myself on my blog to keep me sober it is worth it.  This week my sponsor told me I am on step 3. Of course this makes me happy.  I have found out that this entire time i thought i was very patient i am not.  I want to perfectly adhere to all of the steps, so that i can reach 'enlightenemnt' as soon as possible.  This is not how the program works. The beauty of it and the entire reason it does work is because it takes years to understand these tweleve simple steps. Sitting back and leaving it to my higher powers will is crucial. The beauty of each step is the things they allow me to learn about myself. Everyday i find out new strengths i have, many new weaknesses, and i am finally clear headed enough to take on one at a time.  Something i really did not see coming when i first decided to stop drinking is that instead of loosing friends, im gaining them. Now these friends are most certaintly not 21, like myself. However i think they might care about me more then almost everyone in my life prior to sobriety. And while i am grateful for all of this, right now i am tired as fuck, and irritated. :)

my dear, its not the sun, i'm tired...

to get to where you want to be is going to take a little work

I love foxes..

'comme des fuckdown'

hi there!

It's about time i get away from here...

ispendjesussaves

love it!

YES!

Need i say more?

I would like to learn how to play an instrument...

All that there is to be grateful for...

It is easy to forget everything we are blessed to have, especially when dealing with a lot of stress. Ever since I quit drinking I have been incredibly run down, experiencing mood swings, and questioning how happy I really am. I know it sounds unbelievable that the lack of alcohol can affect your body and your mind. However, alcoholism is a disease. Now sometimes I think that calling it a disease is just a way to push the blame of someone's irresponsible drinking habits to something physical. I have been doing a lot of research ever since I started going to AA; and the stack of books on my nightstand suggest that anxiety, depression, mood swings, and (obviously) added stress all are normal for people in the beginning of recovery. Thankfully I was in the 'Middle Stage of Alcoholism' when I decided to stop so these withdraw symptoms are not as severe. I am very happy I decided to stop drinking, and I am sure my family would say the same. When I get angry because I have to distance myself from my friends, confront a lot of my character defects(most of which I did not even know I had), and find alternative activities that I will learn to enjoy I neglect to appreciate what I am fortunate enough to have. I have a great job, a loving family, and thanks to the 'fellowship' of AA a bright future. I do not have to wake up worried about health issues, I have a comfortable home to come home too, and I have a lot of people that genuinely care about me. I find that we are all guilty of focusing on what we do not have rather then how much better we have it then most people in the world. Sure there are things I want that I do not have but I will work hard in order to obtain/accomplish them. And every morning when I wake up I have the decision to either enjoy the day I am lucky enough to have, or I can pout and stress over what could possibly go wrong. it is my decision what I do with this day and I am going to try and always remember to choose to make the most of it.

how did i wind up here?

what now...?

ask to see it how it is...

sick of this...

Keeping an open mind..

This past Wednesday, my sponsor in AA brought up the topic of God as it relates to working the steps indicated in the program. AA is not affiliated with any 'sect or domination'(meaning any god/higher power you choose is acceptable). I, however, do not believe in anything. While this is a very personal decision I do respect others for whatever they may believe. I have an open mind and am not negatively biased towards believing in a higher power. But as of today, I believe that we are here on earth for a short while and our job is to the best with it what we can, not because of a moral code laid out by a bible or how appeasing a higher power. In my mind, the morals i strongly believe are important to follow because it will effect my own conscious and the others around me. The entire meeting was based around the necessity of finding a power greater then yourself to lead you to sanity(sobriety). This is Step 2 out of a twelve step program adopted by many outside of the AA program. I am finding it difficult to embrace this step. However, i am assured that certain steps are hard for some while easy for others, and it is simply part of the journey to a sober lifestyle.

Hear no evil

this too shall pass..

I am so stressed. I am learning how important it is to rid myself of self-pity.  Prior to AA i had no clue i even had self-pity. I am lucky enough to have a job, transportation, an oppurtunity at education, friends, and a program which will help me get sober but sometimes it can be stressful to balance them all.  I work 9-5, i come home for dinner go pick up my best friend and other AA member go to a meeting and get back home at 10:30. Usually i go to bed or do homework if i have any. And I am having my complements of lows and highs but im not sure if it is quitting drinking or what but im having severe mood swings and have lost my energy all together. Just have to remember at the end of the day they're are people who can't even go to school.  They would do anything for a job. And i am here complaining because somethings gotta give. Give me a break, talk about self-pity.

And this is on a good day...?